In Which I Cause The Food Pyramid To Topple

David is out of town this weekend, and initially I wasn't going to say anything about it, but then I figured that between our ear-piercing alarm system, my mad kah-rah-tay skillz, and my superhuman ability to shoot pools of fire from my eyes, well, we'll be fine.

My friend Merritt is actually coming for a visit tonight with her little girl Molly - they're on their way to Atlanta to see Merritt's new nephew - and in celebration of the fact that Merritt and I have done some of our finest junk food eating together, I made a little trip to the store. I even bought CHEESE IN A BAG which should let you know that I am THROWING DOWN the junk food gauntlet.

OH YES MA'AM.

You'll notice that I went with diet Dr. Pepper instead of diet Coke, because while diet Coke is my Drink Of Choice, diet Dr. Pepper is the drink I reserve for special occasions. Being with old friends is always a special occasion, so NOTHING BUT THE BEST for Merritt Leigh tonight.

You'll also notice that there is one token healthy food in the whole pile - and they're not "just" carrots, mind you, they're organic carrots, which means that we'll have a much more pure and wholesome vessel for delivering large quantities of Ranch dressing into our mouths. I contemplated buying some celery, too, but that just reeked of healthy.

When I was unloading the groceries I thought that if our friend Liz was going to be here, she would eat two bites of the fried chicken tenders that are in the big bucket you see to the right, and then she would say that she always feels gross when she eats fried stuff and she'd throw on her running shoes and go for a quick jog around the neighborhood before dark. And she would also eat the carrots without dipping them in Ranch dressing AND FIND THEM TO BE TASTY.

But I'd totally own her with the brownies. I really wish she was going to be here to have some.

So if you'll excuse me, while I have the luxury of this -

- I'd better be getting that sausage in a skillet so that I can combine it with some Processed Cheese Food and Rotel tomatoes. I also need to make Ranch dressing with the WHOLE MILK and REAL MAYONNAISE that I bought, and oh my sweet goodness I think an artery may have closed off just from typing this paragraph.

As a public service, Merritt and I will get up-to-speed on the whole Vince and Jen break-up (do you SEE all the magazines?) and fill y'all in later because WE LIVE TO SERVE OTHERS, y'all. We live to serve.

Happy weekend, everybody.