Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Proof That Skinny Isn't Always A Good Thing

Yesterday I mentioned a “long and pointless” dream about my friend Elise that I shared via email with a couple of my college friends. Without going into all the details, I’ll just point out that Elise, in my dream, was dressed in some for-real 80’s finery, all the way down to a spiffy pair of red Connie flats. Oh yes ma’am she was.

My friend Melanie immediately responded to my email and said, “You do know that the 80's ARE BACK. This might not have been a dream but a premonition of things to come. If we are supposed to do skinny jeans and leggings (which I'm not happy about) then why not cuffed walking shorts and red flats. I bet I could find some red plastic earrings to match.”

I thought long and hard about Melanie's email. Then I pondered Big Mama's post that she wrote a few weeks ago about this very issue. And my conclusion?

We have a problem, y’all.

I feel that I can speak with a certain degree of authority on this topic because I am a child of the 80's. I watched the premiere of "Thriller" on MTV, I saw every movie that Molly Ringwald ever made, and I used so much Paul Mitchell Freeze N Shine on my bangs in 1988 that a specific portion of the ozone layer boasts a plaque bearing my name. In addition, I memorized the entire sountrack of "St. Elmo's Fire," I recorded every single episode of "Moonlighting," and I arrived at college wearing a pair of acid washed jeans.

Oh yes I did.

So I feel pretty qualified to say that this whole resurgence of 80’s fashion? It makes no sense at all. Because DID NOBODY NOTICE HOW UGLY THE CLOTHES WERE THE FIRST TIME AROUND?

I mean, I know we thought we were all cute and girls-just-wanna-have-fun-ish at the time, what with our leggings under our short skirts and our oversized v-neck sweaters from The Limited (oh, ‘fess up. you know you wore one with your neon stirrup pants back in 1989. you know you did). But in retrospect? We were all guilty parties in what can only be described as a fashion tragedy.

And wearing skinny jeans was a first degree offense.

Because while I can see the humor in lots of my 80's antics, I just can't, under any circumstances, find the humor (or value) in a pair of skinny jeans. They're the most hateful of all the 80’s trends, in my opinion. The only thing worse is acid washed skinny jeans, which as far as I'm concerned is proof that the devil is real and at work and intent on stealing our joy.

(WHICH REMINDS ME. Some of my male college buddies who regularly read this blog-o-mine under the cover of secret SO used to tightroll their jeans. Out of respect for the offenders' wives and children, as well as for the sake of their careers within your various and sundry Corridors of Power, I will not disclose their identities. But they know who they are.)

So I am resolved: I will cling to the boot cut jean with everything in me. I will stand firm against the possibility of denim hugging my admittedly substantial calves and then TAPERING DOWN toward my ankles. I will rebuke anything that even remotely resembles “tightrolling."

And in conclusion, I'm not wearing red Connie flats and you can't make me.

Because if the 80's are in, I guess I'll have to be out. I just can't walk down the acid washed road again.


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