Monday, January 30, 2006

J. Walter Weatherman Is Alive, Well, and Living in Mississippi

A bit of back story: my friends Buddy, Andy and Jim are some of the funniest people I've ever known. When we were at State, you would often find them surrounded by large crowds of people who would listen intently and then fall to the floor and roll with laughter. I could devote a lengthy post - and I just may - to Buddy's mastery of the prank phone call in pre-caller ID days, but for the time being let's just say that dorms filled with international students were his target audience.

When it became very clear to me that I was going to have to include some of their antics in this little interweb forum, I asked them if they wanted aliases to protect their identities since they're all high-powered businessmen who control a great deal of the world's oil reserves as well as the legislative branch of the US government. After much discussion, I can now announce that the humorous stylings of B-Diddy, G-Master Detail and Diamonds will be making occasional guest appearances on this blog. I keep telling the three of them that they need a blog, but they don't listen. They never did.

And since I told you their real names before I introduced the aliases, I guess the whole alias deal is sort of a moot point, but it does add a certain gangsta flava. We're all about the gangsta flava here in the suburbs of Birmingham, you know.

Anyway, they talk much good-natured trash via email (B-Diddy likes to point out that, in his spare time, G-Master likes to do "delicate charcoal drawings of Ron Polk"), and they sometimes include me in their fun because, well, they pity me.

Today I was grateful for the pity, because this little gem from G-Master made its way to my inbox. Enjoy, everyone. It's an instant classic.

"The following has not been independently confirmed, and is solely the testimony of my sister:

Yesterday, my sister was sitting in the First Presbyterian Church in Loveland, Colorado, reading the weekly church bulletin when she was shocked to see in the announcements section that Bob Johnson of Hernando, Mississippi (our father) had passed away in his sleep on the weekend of January 22nd. She immediately phoned home, and kept calling until my mother answered at about 1:00PM CST. Upon hearing Julie's voice, my mother's first words were "wow, the lengths I have to go to just to get a phone call."

You see...last week, my mother was apparently quite frustrated with my sister due to the fact that Julie had not called home to speak with my mother in about 2 weeks. Having reached a breaking point, my mother apparently contacted the main office of my sister's church and asked that the church bulletin committee include, in this week's announcements, the death of my father.

Note 1: My father is alive and well.
Note 2: My mother still lives with my father and is well aware of Note 1.

Again, this story has not been confirmed, but my sister says she will mail a copy of the church bulletin to me very soon.

I can't make this up, people. Have a nice day.

'G-Master Detail'"

Like I told Andy, that's a story for the ages. I can just picture Andy one day, with his children surrounding him, saying, "Okay, kids, now I want to tell you about the time that Mamaw faked Papaw's death. Oh, it is a sweet memory...."


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