Tuesday, June 27, 2006

She Would Probably Do Better If She Realized That Surfing The 'Net Is Fat Free

My sister-in-law Rose - who is married to David's brother - is what you might call fit.

No, Fit.

No. FIT.

She's a fitness machine, is what she is.

She's one of those people who has a passion for health and wellness, and as a result she is usually either running or lifting weights or playing tennis or swimming. Sometimes she even runs to the place where she's going to lift weights or play tennis or swim, so inevitably when I'm around her for more than about three minutes I realize that all my Professional Gravy Drinking is not serving me so well fitness-wise. And then I feel like a bit of a slug.

And clearly, when feeling like a slug, the only response is to drink more gravy and then eat donuts. Which really gets me nowhere in my quest for Rose-like fitness. And since the word "quest" implies that I'm actively pursuing some sort of fitness journey, I think saying "my THOUGHTS of Rose-like fitness" would actually be a much more legitimate representation of the truth.

Anyway, this past Saturday night I ran by Scott and Rose's to pick up Alex's car seat and sippy cups and other stuff that had migrated over there during All The Swimming, and Rose was on the computer. Now granted, she was still glistening from her late afternoon run - I'm fairly certain that her arm muscles were pulsing (in direct contrast to my arm muscles that were atrophying by the second) - but as soon as I saw her sitting in front of the computer monitor, I got a little tickled because I knew that comedy - BIG COMEDY - was in store.

Because while my sister-in-law can run a mile in five minutes and hit a tennis ball with deadly accuracy, she can't work a computer to save her life. And when she saw me - her admittedly non-fit but comparatively computer-savvy sister-in-law - she pretty much clapped her hands with glee. And thankfulness.

See, the whole notion of typing a web address in the browser toolbar is utterly foreign to Rose. If she wants to find something, she clicks on the search button, then types what's she's looking for.

In this particular case, she was looking for "guy with funny name on food network who had great zucchini recipe."

I'm sure you'll be surprised to learn that she wasn't getting very strong search results.

So I typed in the homepage for Food Network, bookmarked it, showed her how to pull up the bookmarks, and then found the elusive recipe (shocking newsflash: she will not be including the cheese when she prepares this dish). And then I helped her find several other recipes, and oh it was all so glorious, until Rose realized that she couldn't actually, you know, read the recipes because the font was too small on the screen.

At that point I went into her computer settings, changed her screen resolution, went back to the recipes page, and showed her how the type was now much bigger.

And you would have thought, as the gratefulness was practically pouring out of her non-gravy-drinking mouth, that I had presented her with buckets of chocolate and gold, though the chocolate would most definitely have to be fat- and sugar-free, and come to think of it, she doesn't really like chocolate, so really, I should say: you would have thought that I had presented her with buckets of lettuce and gold.

Only money doesn't mean that much to her, so let's try one more time: you would have thought that I had presented her with buckets of lettuce and pretzels. Yes. That's better.

And all I could think was that it's too bad that blogging doesn't result in rock-solid abs.

Because I'm telling you. If it did?

I would be RIPPED.


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