Alternative Medicine

Since the four Tylenol Allergy Sinus pills I've taken over the course of the day have done nothing to diminish the pulsing vise of pain and pressure on the left side of my face, I would like to receive some combination of the following unconventional, yet undoubtedly effective, treatments:

1. drilling a hole in the left side of my nose
2. smashing a rock into my left eye socket
3. slicing off the left side of my nose
4. puncturing openings underneath my left eye with an anvil
5. removing my left eye altogther

I feel that any of these options are desirable in that they would enable me to relieve All The Pressure.

OH! One more option: ripping my sinuses from my nasal cavity.

Any volunteers?